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March 22 Chapter 1 - Joy of innocence and ignoranceReading through the blog of friends... and noticed this phrase "look up and move one, because you'll become jealous and frightened if you look aside and below." And I realized that fate really exists because being human, we are so predictable. All the emotions we have... so easily made jealous, easily frightened, easily moving into ignorance, and easily fade into the background. Doing all of that, is so easy. But that's not living.
Me, I live for the CHALLANGE that life presents. (Call me an おばあさん I might actually be turning into one).
Usually, this is how it works: there is one person, who is there to support another, that person supports another, and so on... and the last person supports the first. Well, that might only involve two people, or many but usually that's how it works. But how come, when I look at myself, I find a broken link? Simply because I want to help people, become the source of support for many... have I forgotten that I need help sometimes? Maybe, I've been pushing people away when they want to support me because I am AFRAID of becoming like some of the people that I support. But that fear... it turns me into something worse because when I can't take it anymore, there'll be no one who is watching me all the time, no one to stop me before I self destruct.
Usually, when things turn out the way a person wants it, that person is happy. Especially if it's when the person was trying to make a friend's life better, filled with happiness instead of pain. But somehow, when I look at these friends around me, I am entirely JEALOUS that I don't have someone to back me up like how I back others up. Someone who will watch me and catch me before I fall. So I am extremely, overtly grateful to the passerby who yells "look out for the ditch" even if they say it way too late. And I fall in, head over heels, and break into pieces. Yet even when I am down there, all broken, I wouldn't let on that I need help from the other people, especially not the person who'd pulled me in while I was pulling them out, still thinking that I don't want to trouble them while I'm trying to believe that it was an accident, knowing that it wasn't. So I will say "I'm okay" and struggle to put myself together before anyone finds me there. All the while, a little part of me wishes that there could be someone there to give me a hand.
Usually, when two people who watch each other and one person turns their eyes away and starts to watch another, the second person should be sad, feel lonely, try to win back the attention they've lost because after all, humans crave attention, to be told that they're most IMPORTANT to someone else. But somehow, I wouldn't let on that I'm sad, that I felt lonely, and I'd tell that person that I don't need them to watch me even though if they aren't guilty about it because I wouldn't want there to be a chance that they'd feel guilty. And I'd keep on watching them, watching the person they're watching... Like an idiot right?
Usually, there's supposed to be happiness and hope in the life of a person my age. Not knowing the cruel reality of the world, not knowing the uselessness of hope, not knowing that really, LIFE's only meaning is the GAME, and that all the BS about people watching people is only reality for the lucky people that 99% of people don't belong to. The people in the world all stand in one big ROOM. A busy, crowded, and chaotic room full of people who are throwing KNIVES at one another. Most important? that was bs. The most important person is oneself nowadays. And the most important people are first family, then friends... and if a person is extra UNLUCKY and has a family that cares little for them, well, that person is really, not very important to anyone. Some people feel that it's easier to become a stepping stone. And that's fine, it's not a bad way to live. As long as that person remains high enough in the pile of stepping stones, they'll survive without too much pressure. Watching... really BS. In this world, if a person does not watch out for oneself, the person will be pushed down by other people, and will be stepped upon by the people who elevate themselves so that they could SEE farther in that roome.If the person is extra uncareful, they'll be moved to the bottom, below all the other people in the pile and crushed under the PRESSURES OF LIFE. In this room, it's the person who stands highest that SURVIVEs the best because they are most capable of seeing the dangers that come flying at them. And the phrase, "you're my sunshine" really means "thanks for helping me stand taller". In return for helping that person stand taller, the reward is that the person sees the DANGER, so everyone in his pile can avoid it. It's really too bad if one becomes the only stepping stone of a weak person who wants to see far. Most likely, that person won't be able to see very far, and it will be too late for the person at the bottom to move out of the way when the person on top sees the knife that comes flying after everyone else has moved away. And both will become dead carcases left to rot, or left to heal at the bottom the knife thrower's pile if they're lucky. |
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