Exams are finally done. I found out that I hadn't done as bad as I thought. Even though my mind was blank, somehow my hand remembered the right answers... well, at least most of the time it did.

 

So sitting down, I decide to finally watch "The Devil Wears Prada" DVD that I borrowed from a friend some months ago.

 

Grabing some chowder, and a blankie, I popped in the disc and pressed play before settling down on the sofa. It's just another chick flick, but I haven't watched one of those in ages. Watching one now, in the middle of the night, is actually a bit lonely.

 

I watch Anne Hathaway's character, and at the begining, I think, well, she isn't dressed that badly. I really felt like I knew nothing about fashion. Well, it's true, I do know nothing about fashion. I mean, you just have to look at my closet. It's not just last season's clothing, it's more like, prehistoric!

 

*Note to self: must put fashion sense into brain as part of social must haves.*

 

You know, I really do agree with her choices up until she turned away from that job. She was smart, and beautiful, and very resourceful. All she needed was to climb higher before she could take over the top. It's true that they say "the top is lonely" but arent those just people who don't have the ability and don't know how to grab onto the rigth chances to be the best? I mean, who needs friends?

 

Okay, real good friends like those in the movies, yeah. Everyone needs those. But be realistic. How many of those are there? The joke of having someone who's always there for you and such! Oh, that's hardly ever going to come true unless you're hiring that person with money. And even then it's difficult - one in a thousand difficult - to find the perfect employee - and we are not even talking about how much you would have to pay for someone as amazing as that! The person who has the "I shouldn't, that's my friend" ghost haunting them should find an exterminator, AND FAST! Either that or you will soon find out who your friends really are - normal people. They are not some super hero who will come to your rescue, nor will they let you become the road block to their success, so why should you? Besides, even you, the kind, naive, and innocent, are not so wonderful as to put everyone else's problems before your own. Or else, why would you want a friend who'll "always be there for you" in the first place? If such really exists, wouldn't it be you, so wouldn't you BE that friend?

 

However, I think that simple happiness is the only happiness in the end. After all, where will you go after reaching the top? For the you who has been chasing after some goal or other endlessly to suddenly be without one, how would it feel? The aimlessness, and emptiness. And you look, at the girl who has chosen that simple happiness that you gave up, and you think just how brave and courageous she is. To trust after being betrayed, to love after having lost, but most of all, to be able to wear her heart on her sleeves, out in the open, just like that.

 

Isolated, at the very top, you know, that THAT is happiness, and THAT is something you will never have, because you, who chose this path, will always choose this path many times again.

 

Black and white subtitles fill the screen, so I press the eject button. Drained of everything, my head feels lighter and ready for the nothingness that is sleep.

 

//

 

^^ And a good night to my readers!! Well, as usual, you know where to send your comments (not here)! And if you don't start reading from chapter one! Okay, ta ta~

rant rant rant. Dont wanna do homework... so wanna quit school and get a job!!! rant rant rant.

 

I wonder if I'll click publish after this rant...

So frigin bored.... back to grade 3? again or maybe 4... doing stupid art projects for random subjects. and they say it's a country of equality... what equality, the poor pple who suck at/dispise visual arts are getting it hard! Man, it 's such a drudge to have to do thiscrap!....

 

 

swear swear swear... &%($&%*($,... rant rant rant,. <--- ran out of complaints since i"ve complained so many times.

 

... the next chapter? if u seriously wanna read it, DON"T BUG ME! ... well, I don't feel like writing it anyways...

 

Be there, show up, you have to do it, continue... Their voices appear around me like chains, forcing me to continue. My body is screaming in agony, I want to stop because everything seems to hurt. My head is ringing, and alarm yelling "STOP" and making my head spin... I'm disoriented, but I can feel the pain. Where? From where? Not my muscles, becaues I cannot feel my limbs... it's only inside my head, this pain... only my imagination.

 

Beads of sweat or tears roll onto my lips... keep on going! ... No matter what, it's life or death, so I must go on. I tried harder to concentrate on the words infront of my face. Not knowing what I've read there, my arm begins to move. My hand writes something onto the paper, and some small voice hopes that it was at least partially correct. Yes, to hope. There's nothing more that it could do.

 

"Put down your pencils. The exam is now over"

 

Sighs of relief resounded through the study hall... it's finally over!

Someone patted me on the shoulder "how did you do?" and then it all came back to me. I felt my arm on my shoulder, tapped my fingers on the desk to test them out, and then looked up at my friend. "uhhh.... I don't know..."

"sheesh. Trying to make me feel better? you definately did well right? don't worry, I'm used to failing these now."

I say nothing. What could I say? That I dont' even remember what the exam was about? that I blanked out? that I would fail too and have her lose all her hope of passing this?... "let's go to Brills" I said, indicating a bar we frequented and stood up.

 

 

hey hey, I'm like reading the last post, and I think I'm going crazy overa the pretty boys!

 

This one's supper cute. He's in East of Eden, in the korean Boys over Flowers, unstoppable high kick and outrageous woman. His new, but his popularity is definately on the rise. Well, that goes with out saying cuz he's 100% cute!

 

Was reading this site... and it said he has baby fat! I was sooo mad! I mean, he's pretty skinny, and if it's his dimples... well them make him look awesome when he smiles. Definately wouldn't wanna loose that. It's like, totally his selling trait. It really makes him look super cute and cuddly. No he's not the sexy type, but it's not like that puts a black mark on him or anything! Cute boys don't need sex appeal cuz that cuteness is the bestest.

 

But know what's the best? He's 20! =P well, he's turning 20 in July, but he's young! I totally want him to stay young foreva!  The 4 princes in F4 who look after the girl? well, if I only have him for a bit, it'd be totally enough! lolz. =3 yeah... he's like, the kinda guy that could get away with sneaking a kiss from any girl =P and I luv his playboy style.

Well okay, that part was due to the shock of seeing an actor from a few years ago... this really cute guy who was in many dramas (yes, you people will probably get it in three guesses) holding a child in his arms! It was a total shock! I mean, a woman holding a kid, and it might not be hers, but a GUY! >.< IT REALLY SEEMED LIKE HIS KID AND IT MADE ME FEEL OLD! well turns out it was for an ad., but still it totally ruined his image in my heart... He had this "I'ma play boy" and "I'm really cute and pretty" image b4 and now it's like... totally smashed. >.> sighz... guess they have to grow up and move on... T.T but I'm still sad.

 

Meow no more. Getting to be late since tomorrow is skool. Luv ya peeps~!

You know, it sounds really nice... to be able to find a man who's warm, and caring, and family oriented. It sounds even better if he really loves me to death and would date me for nine years all the while thinking that he can't marry me because my job is more important than him. But then, I tell him that he's worth sooooo much more to me than work, and propose to him.

The big smile on his face, how he is wordlessly happy, and how he makes love to me afterwards isn't something one could forget in an entire lifetime. With someone like that... who could understand myr selfishness, whom I am willing to compromise with... it sounds like a lot of fun.

If it's someone like that who would share so many beginings with me, like the first time holding our child's hand, the first time they go to school, when we marry off our first child, or when they go away to university or travel overseas to work... if it's someone like that, I would definately anticipate those times. To have someone that I love so much, whom loves me so much, to be beside eachother for an entire lifetime would hardly be enough. If it's someone like that, I would definately want to spend eternity with him.

 

If it's someone like that... If I'm capable of loving someone, and if I am lovable enough... I would definately defeat many obstacles to be with him. So please, give me the chance... let me meet him in this short life time.

It began with the word Spicy... just a two word title, but I no longer remember it...

 

All I really remember is his face, with such a kind smile, and his harsh words. I remember her saying "I'm happy" even without knowing when all of that happiness will be taken away. I don't understand it, how she could live with it. Or is it me, who has no confidence in myself?

 

I get it, why she would love him. But somehow, that isn't good enough for me. I don't get it.

I'd want him all to myself. So much that it would be suffocating.

I'd miss him all the time. So much that I wouldn't be able to do much without thinking about him and smiling to myself at the thought.

Truth to tell, I'd annoy him to no end.

I'd want to say everything to him, know everything about him... And I really don't understand anyone who wouldn't. After all, love is just about the most selfish thing on earth right? Then to top it off, I'm also a really selfish person.

 

^^ but it's bitter sweet. It was short, and so it was fun to read.

Maybe someday, there'd be a boy whom I couldn't let go of. Bitter-sweet, but it would be worth it.

Since it'll bring me a lot of happiness.

For one thing, I think I am totally in love. No. Not with a person, but the concept of this person, this Maestro of dreams.

 

I've always been most easily touched by classical music. It's such a delightful voice that makes my heart beat faster. And this Maestro, with such wonderful feelings that he wanted to express, and the changes in his music as he finds love *sighz*. As a man hurt by the world finds something in it that he treasures, something that warms his heart and even changes his music. Something to make his music more awesome than it already was.

 

of course, he's also very handsome =P I love him so much ^^ If there were real men like him on earth... I'd be so happy! I swear I have never liked any character nor any person entirely. I could never hold the concept of loving someone's faults... but he's so wonderful!!!...And I swear I love all his faults! =3

 

And I'm so sad paying tribute to a fictional being... >.< But he's so handsome, and so entirely perfect!XP

lawl. Now that I get this out of my head, it's time to get back to working for that 95 average I'll be needing for uni...

 

若是远走高飞可以让我和你在一起，

若是手拉着手会让我们永远幸福，

那么我愿意和你一起，

飘在蓝天白云之上，

随风而飘，

追随着明亮的月光，

直到世界末日，让我和你永不分离。

 

lolz. I've got a knack for this romantic stuff now eh? Not really. There's probably grammar mistakes and such.

Sighz... that .. passage, if I were to dedicate it, I wouldn't be able to think of anyone. Sadness. But well, I was thinking of music as I wrote that. My life would just be horrid without music. lolz.

 

Sighz... sleepy time now.

 

hm... beauty and the beast. Interesting.

I have never started typing on this blog without a title in mind. I have never writting without any idea of what I wll write. But still, as I try harder to think of a topic, as I try harder to come up with something interesting, I was told that I have lost all sense of anything deep in my writing... now, it's all just a rant.

 

It's so obvious.

Don't tell, show

Just write... pick something good in there and develop it.

Know the ending when you start.

Find a goal, and work towards it single mindedly...

 

so much, so many, yet too few. There's not enough sign posts along the way to tell me which way it is that I should go. They tell you to stand on the shoulders of giants, but really, that takes a lot of courage, and a huge leap, lots of climbing and hardships to get on the giant. First of all, I don't even know where the giants really are. Well, I do, but I haven't found a path to take me up to them yet.

 

Make your own path...

 

My path finder is gone. My beakon dark, and no longer lighting the way. What am I to do? The one whom I had spend the most time on, training, helping, preparing for the day where that one would be able to give me a lift up... all wasted.

 

ahahahaha... I think that this is the most fake blog of all time...

In here, nothing is real, nothing is apparent... and I think that the most realistic of all this these two lines...

Even the image of "I " here is far from myself. The image of my friends... I think that was more like a dream than reality... What I have dreamed of... what I wanted more than anything else. The ideal, obedient, useful, loyal. But I am no trainer of giants, so I cannot hope to stand upon their shoulders and take command from there. but I could hope to become a giant, below one, and above all the others. I  think... that shall be enough for me. To stand on the shoulder of giants... to train them, keep them in chekc.... that is too much responsibility for any comfortable life.

 

What I want, is carelessness... to have nothign to worry about, nothing to have to think about... to come home from work and have silence and maybe a cat to keep me company. ha! you think I'm like an old lady. Tis true. I want peace although I do not bring much of it myself. Although I get caught up in the moment everytime, I regret it later each and eveyrtime. alhtough I smile and laugh, at first pretending, then really laughing just by instinct that I am expected to, I feel tired after wards... tired and drained.

 

Maybe...

Perhaps I was born old...

born for death.

No, it's not about my randomness. I'm not ranting about things off the top of my head.

Actually, it's something that happened to me.

 

So basically, I just walk out the door, dressed not so casually but not so formal either. And here he comes, clings to my leg and says, "Big sister, play with me"

It's this little boy I've never seen before, and here I thought I knew everyone on the street.

Well, it turns out the little boy just moved in next door. He looks to be three or four, yet his mother leaves him to go where he wishes. To me, this sounded like lots of trouble because well, this boy I just found in my garden is clinging onto my leg, asking me to play with him, and REALLY heavy. So heavy that I couldn't move my leg so as to shake him off. I was going to be late for my appointment. What else do I do besides pick him up and go tell his mother to watch her child in case he makes trouble for other people. I was really angry and felt totally unlucky to get new neighbours that are so irresponsible.

Anyways, so I picked up the kid and sat him on my arm. And he smiles sooo sweetly, kisses me on the cheek, and holds on to my neck. How can you be mad at a kid like that right? and so he asks me "won't you tell me a story?" in his little stuttering voice.

Yell at his mother? I probably wanted to kidnap this kid at this point. So I told him one of those stories that are like, five minutes long. This kid is just full of surprises... in the five minutes of resting his head on my shoulder and listening to me, he'd fallen asleep... I was totally like, "thank goodness" and left him just inside his house to sleep on the carpet. Don't take me wrong, I ran the door bell and his mother wasn't even home, so I went in since the door wasn't locked.

 

It was a close call. If the kid hadn't fallen asleep I definately would have missed my apointment.

When I got home, I told his mother about it. And she was like, really REALLY surprised because she didn't think he'd be able to even open the front door by himself. Well, he got scolded and I guess grounded as well because I haven't seen him since... although I haven't gone out a lot recently.

 

I wonder if I was lucky or if my luck is just rotten and abandoned me. lolz

 

Okays, that's not the end. When I finally meet up with the boys, we go down to business and began planning ... well, stuff.

And out of no where, we got to... "Ari, you're really cute" and I was like... okay, well, that's off topic. And poke came this finger... while I'm trying to work. I guess it got kinda hopeless after a while because I got more childish and lost my commanding presence. Later, I realized it was all a plot to get out of working... grrr. So I ended up getting all of them wet and they went home like dripping puppies. and guess what? I still had ALLL the paper work to do.

 

I guess luck abandoned me after all.

 

So I stayed at the caffe until I finished... and ended up falling asleep on the damned buss on the way home, missed the stop. WAsted an extra ticket getting back home, and got scolded because I got home too late. There's way more randomness in this day then I've had in a long time!

 

Phewf. I'm just happy it's over! ^^

A change from complaining about weird things out of boredem.

 

Don't worry, I won't be talking about tomato and curry. I've never even tried such a thing. But it must really taste weird. On second thought, it might actually taste good. hehe.

 

The summer air is filled with the warmth and smell of happiness. When I first was able to look past the present, I found a feeling of vastness that is so fulfilling. Lying down on the grass, smelling the freshness of the fruits and vegetables in my back yard and looking at the blue-green shades above me, I let the wind blow through me. I thought at that moment 'this must be what happiness is' and then, I just stared into eternity without a single thought in my head. Had I the luxury, I would have spend every day like that. 因为有那一天，我觉得我可能是着世界上最幸福的人了！

 

But the rest of summer was full of commotion. First there was summer class and the hectic discussion board caused by the teacher's vague instructions. Then there were all the appointments that I had made thinking that summer classes weren't going to take more than an hour or two a day. Boy was I wrong! Finally, come exam time, was happy to be finished. The next day, I stood before the mess that was my room (and my half of the study room) and gained a headache over the amount of filling I'd have to do. Many boxes, folders, dividers, and plastic wrappers later, I was done! Just in time for the dentist appointment the next day. I got drugged for 4 days (with laughing gas and tylenol) just for taking out 4 wisdom teeth. The thing was, the 5th day was painful like hell, my face was swollen like a balloon and I couldn't eat even though my parents had a party. Hungry and bruised, the week of torture ended for me.

 

That was the end of july. At the begining of August, I started writing all those essays and stuff for scholarships. Some friends called and we wend out shopping all day and watched a movie in between. The way home from the mall left me as a drenched cat (it suddenly started to pour). So I caught a cold, and then really got sick after breathing smoke and dust from the bus ride to the orthopediatrist's place. There's piles of physics homework and math that I need to straighten out (almost done now? I don't even know). Somewhere in between there, my family went out twice to some picnic places and I got full days of sun. Dad and mom didn't argue. I was really happy for that. ^^

 

That's gonna be my entire summer.

I ended up not having a speck of time left.

I wonder what would have happened if I got a job.

 

Would I have died...

 

Oh right, I watched something called 'suicide manual'

Don't watch it. It's really bad. I mean, all the ways of suicide in there, I've thought of them all even though I've never seriously thought about suicide issues. I really dont' think seriously about suicide... although some people may think so because I joke about jumping off a building sometimes.

 

well, that's all.

My summer report I guess.

Got so used to doing them.

I really hope no one reads these...

 

So as my heart bleeds, my eyes are dry. There is nothing to cry for... I have gotten just punishment.

Love. What this world calls love is to allow yourself to be open to the greatest pain that could be inflicted upon a person. Yet knowing that, everyone wants believe otherwise; that love is warm, happiness, and kindness. that and only that. A bunch of fools and I joined them.

 

So some people find happiness, but reflect upon yourself: Are you one of those outstanding, shining personalities that would find happiness?

Someone who is innocent enough to always look at the kindness of the world, and giving happiness? for you reap what you sow, and if you

cannot give happiness, who are you to expect any back?

 

Doing what's best for someone is not giving happiness. Doing what's best usually entails harsh words, hurting, and convincing people away

from all the "oh so enticing" in the world. When people regrett those things because they don't know the evil that they would have fallen in,

guess what? they'll blame you.

 

So there is then the choice of doing the right thing for people, and making them happy. Sadly, the two are usually different. The harder road

then becomes the right road, and the people taking the right road are forever sacrificing themselves. Oh, they gain from it, maybe the satisfaction

or having punished themselves for a past error... maybe just being able to do something instead of watching the bad things engulfing everyone

around them... but the sacrifice is not worth it.

 

It is the people in the world who appear to care but really do nothing who are blessed.

The people who can appear compationate but who really give nothing who are blessed.

It is these people who become the happiness of others, who has someone(s) who will give them happiness throughout most of their lives.

And we do not belong to them, do now belong with them...

 

so the right path also becomes a lonely path.

 

so before you choose my path, thing about what you want. Once you're here, you'll never be able to stand and watch things happen again.

Everytime, you'll reach out, most of the time there's not thanks for this business, and ususally your image relates itself with discomfort.

So what is it? a bystander or a loner?

 

Okay everyone who sees this, go watch my girl!!!

or Virgin Snow if it's out.

 

know why? cuz LEE JUN KI IS COOL!....

okies

 

well, certainly a weird thing comming from me, so it makes it all the more really!

He's sooooooo cool. like cute, hot and smart! yeah!

 

Okies. I'm obsessed. Guess what. He's born in 1982... Wahh! (hopes that he's a bit younger)....

....

....

..

.

..

...

....

I'm going crazy aren't i?... maybe it's the pressure from school.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Okay, so it's like already August, and I have done exactly nothing this WHOLE summer. The most interesting events this summer are like, the movies I saw, pictures I took, and boring stories of useless work. There were so much that I had wanted to do yet I find myself without the time to do those things. As if grade 7 was happening all over again - being busy, but ending up not doing anything. Grade 7 was forgivable because of emotional stress (fighting with boss), so an excuse... hm, I really can't think of one right now.

Um, i'd really apreciate it if ppl tell me what they've be up to in summer, so i'd have something interesting to read ^^ well, cya guys all!

 

Okay, so if curiosity killed the cat, what killed humans?

 

Is it hate? the hate that makes our souls fire up and andrenaline rush through our bodies. The hate that makes it easier to risk everything we have to fight? So many conflicts create so much hate, but people don't die because of hate...

something that causes hate, remorse, and sad feelings that we express by violent means.

a devil that wraps itself around our hears and squeezes until we surrender our minds to it's cause. tearing away at all our defences and driving us mad until we let go of all reason.

 

Some people call it love, others a chemical reaction, or obsession.

There's always that cause, that thing, that person, or that thought  that you want to protect.

keeping it selfishly to yourself or nurturing it in a dark corner.

 

Images and lust for That drives your every thought.

When you can't control yourself anymore, what but suicide?

Human nature dicates that we would die before we give in to our enemies!

 

Yet our subconscious wants

longs for it

and our minds fight, fight it hard...

 

but who will win in the end...

yourself... or yourself?

 

who are you anyways...

 

Lied ~ a song.

A bunch of black dotes on a lined sheet of paper. Sounds; the different frequencies of vibrations. Something pleasant to the ear perhaps? A story?

Hence,

Lebenslied and Todeslied

Two songs telling contradicting stories.

In one, there is  the orchestra making it's melancholy sounds. And then the soprano!

Like a nightingale, singing with the piccolo

Then tears melt into a smile and smile turns to frustration!

Such joy and tragety

For you to hold it all..